Adrien is Noir Confirmed
by CherisherAo3
Summary: Crack Illuminati Fic
1. Is it Possible?

"Why have you dragged me out of my bed, and into your room, at..." Alya slurred as she looked down at her phone, "3 AM in the morning?"

Marinette slammed her coffee mug down on the table and started tapping her finger aggressively against her lip. She paced circles around the room and wore a substantial pathway into the carpet. She completed this journey around the room dozens of times before she stopped and actually talked to Alya.

"I know who Chat Noir is."

She instantaneously continued the pacing around the room; occasionally making a detour to the corner of the room to propel an empty energy drink can into the collective pile.

Alya gave her a tired squint. "What?"

Marinette turned around and pulled down a large white projection screen with countless photos, red marker lines, sticky notes, and two generously sized posters of Chat Noir and Adrien in the middle.

"This! Alya, This!" she gestured to everything on the pull-down screen. "I have been working many a night, Alya, and now, I have finally cracked his Identity! _Bwuahahahaha_!"

"Why did you say 'Bwauhahahaha'? You didn't even laugh it, you just... said it."

"That's another thing I found out!" Marinette's head flicked from the ceiling to the door, then to the window, then back to Alya. "They're watching us, they can see our every move... But that's a different story for another day! What is important is this!" She smacked the collage of sticky-taped photographs and news clippings with an open palm.

Alya had a quick glance over it after she put on her glasses. She paused at the two massive posters of the boys. "You're telling me, Adrien is Chat Noir..."

"Yes!" Marinette cried.

Alya looked over the jumble of interconnected information and lost herself. "I've got nothing..."

"Here is my reasoning!"

And she began...

"Chat Noir is the Parisian hero, right?"

"Heros have powers!"

"Power is another word for Electricity!"

"Electricity! So where does our electricity come from?"

"Nuclear Plants!"

"Nuclear Plants have the word plants in it!"

"Plants are green!"

"You know what rhymes with green?"

"Polytetrafluoroethylene!"

"PTFE Film is used in Aerospace programs as insulation!"

"Insulation!"

"As a baker, my father uses Insulated mittens to assist him in making Quiches..."

"That's right... we ate a quiche just yesterday at the Louvre!"

"The Louvre houses some of the most renowned art pieces! Including the Mona Lisa!"

"The Mona Lisa has the highest insurance valuation for a painting! They say it is worth $669 Million Euros!"

"Six. Plus six. Plus nine. It equates to twenty-one."

"If you get the number twenty-one and have it divided by the number of students in our class, which is fifteen, it equals 1.4!"

"One. Dot. Four."

"We have Four friends in our circle. And One of them has to be Chat Noir."

"Now we get into the real nitty gritty."

"Just the other day I saw Chloe and Nathaniel working on body paint."

"This led me to have suspicions about the human body."

"Chat Noir has four ears."

"How many ears does Adrien have?"

"TWO!"

"Two is the key to solving all of this! Do you know why?"

"It takes two to tango..."

"Tango."

"In the NATO phonetic alphabet, Tango mean T."

"T is also said as tea."

"Tea is drunk with either lunch or sweets."

"I've already ruled out sweets because sugar is a curse. So that leaves us with lunch."

"Lunch in Paris, is a Baguette."

"Baguettes are long and usually baked until golden."

"Here is the Climax!"

"Both Adrien..."

"And Chat Noir..."

"Have..."

"Golden..."

"Hair..."

...

"Adrien is Chat Noir, Confirmed..."


	2. Could it Be?

**_A.N._**

 _Look what you made me do, MelDaBearKwami._

 _I had originally meant it to be a one-shot._

 _Now here we are again._

* * *

Nino's awkward cough echoed through Adrien's indoor home cinema. The Dj sat on the oversized amphitheatre and stared up at the ceiling, waiting patiently for his friend to calm down. But he hasn't.

"I am telling you, Nino! I think the number of strawberries in Madam Bustier's garden had a direct connection to the irregular patterns in Ladybug's daily breath intake!"

Nino slouched back into the cushions, internally screaming at the pressing boredom weighing on his mind. Adrien has been at this for hours, a non-stop rant about how he has 'figured out his Lady's identity' or how he has discovered 'the truth about his life'. Why did this all happen to be at 3 A.M. in the morning? Why couldn't it wait for the sun to be up?

"Bittersweet limes are a big part to take in this presentation," he announced from the other side of the room, "they have a key foundation in the exploration of Ladybug and her former trends of..."

Adrien paused for a second.

 _'Thank all things merciful,'_ Nino thought to himself, _'he's stopped his blabbering.'_

"Are you even paying attention!?" Adrien shouted from the stage. "Please, Nino, I don't expect audience participation, but at least have some decency to watch the powerpoint I have so generously provided for you."

Nino perked up his head and yawned loudly from the back row of the room. After the lengthy yawn, he cupped his hands over his mouth and booed Adrien. "Wrap it up sucker, I wanna sleep!"

Adrien impatiently tapped his pointing stick against the ground, irritated by the mockery of his well thought out and brilliant deductions.

"Alright!" he shouted once again before raising his electronic clicker towards the screen, "I'll give you the 411 on everything. BEHOLD!"

A bright image of Ladybug and Marinette came up side by side and a showy animation of explosions and special effects on the screen. Nino had to avert his eyes a little.

"Here," Adrien announced as the explosions continued on screen, "is my reasoning."

He quickly clicked through dozens of slides, each with another piece of information highlighted in red and accentuated with a large portion of the screen space.

"I begin this on the topic you so rudely interrupted me on... Where Bittersweet limes are used in garnishing Enchiladas."

"Enchiladas are generally made with rolled Corn Tortillas."

"Corn."

"Corn is found in the word Corny."

"Cliches are corny, and here is where we begin our real investigation."

"An average cliche is losing your tv remote in the sofa cracks."

"Who is to blame? The TV REMOTE of course!"

"Television has impacted all of us with the marvellous technology it possesses."

"You know what has better technology?"

"That's right!"

"JAPAN."

"Did you know that Japan translates to 'Land of the Rising Sun'? Because I bet you didn't see this one coming!"

"Rising Sun obviously relates to the dawn!"

"DAWN."

"Have a guess who wakes up at the crack of Dawn?"

"Sheep farmers."

"Sheep have wool, and therefore we can conclude that whoever is Ladybug must have the softest personality out there."

"Let's continue this trend, shall we?"

"Wool - Yarn - String - Horizontal Rotary Wing - IT ALL COMES TOGETHER."

"Planes have an average altitude of 39,000 feet."

"But how do we measure that? There is only one possible way we could do that!"

"With a Measuring Tape!"

"Who uses a measuring tape when they work?"

"Why only our beloved Marinette!"

"So that puts her in the spotlight! And, her personality is as sweet and as soft as cake."

" **CAKE!** DO I NEED TO EMPHASISE THIS EVEN MORE CLEARLY? CAKE IS THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS!"

"WHY?"

"Because cakes are forbidden in my household."

"And you know what else is forbidden in my household?"

"FRIENDS."

"So Ladybug has to be one of my friends or somewhere near there."

"I would hate to be the one who rings the bell on one of my friends, so that leads us to bells.

"Bells means Clocktower."

"Clocktower means time."

"Time means money."

"Money is power."

"Ladybug has powers and so do electrical gadgets."

"An example of an electrical gadget is a headlamp."

"Headlamps wrap around your head, just like how I have wrapped this information around mine."

"Lightbulb."

"Larking."

"Labradoodle."

"Lobster."

"Ladybug."

"All creatures starting with L."

"STOP ME NOW IF YOU THINK I AM CRAZY BUT..."

"Ladybug has the word lady in it."

"Lady means girl."

"Both Marinette and Ladybug... are girls."

"Mari is Ladybug, Confirmed..."


	3. I need a coffee

"Sir, I would be breaking _**multiple**_ health code violations, I-I-I cannot make what you asked for."

The coffee shop's hustle and bustle slowly quietened; the tense situation building at the front counter drew everyone's attention.

Adrien's eyes gazed lazily past the barista's face and drilled into their soul.

"I want you to look me in the eye..." he held up a weak hand and pointed to above his cheek, "and say that to me... _one... more... time..._ "

The sound of the barista swallowing their fear was so loud even the customers sitting on the other end of the Mc-offee could sense Adrien's intimidating presence.

"May I get my manager?" the barista barely whispered.

"Indubitably."

* * *

Marinette chuckled as she lent her wrist on the counter, trying to diffuse the situation with a cheery disposition.

"My apologies if this comes across as rude, I know I have caused you **a lot** of trouble," Marinette said with a smile, "but why isn't my order bagged?"

"Ma'am," the fear rising in the store clerks voice, "we cannot physically bag your order."

Marinette blinked at him a few times.

She turned her saddened gaze upon the two hundred and fifty-three cans of energy drinks.

"Is that so?"

Her eyes slowly closed, her expression not changing.

When they opened, they were looking directly into the store clerk. "What's the biggest bag you got?"

* * *

"Sir," the Manager of the Mc-offee pleaded, "Please leave our establishment... We beg of you!"

"Not until I get my _'Tall Grande Gooey Chocolate Chip Double Vanilla Bean Crispy Hazelnut - Full Whip No Foam - Dirty Chai Latte with 6 shots of Espresso and 5 pumps Caramel - Half Soy - Half Almond - Extra Whip with Sprinkles'_ coffee to go - Please."

* * *

"We can't keep living like this! The stress is too much," Alya sobbed. "They can't keep dancing around each other! They're gonna die of indigestion or heart failure someday and we're gonna be the ones to blame because we didn't do jack!"

Nino nodded, comforting Alya with a rub on the back, "There, there, I'm worried about them too."

"I just want them to stahhhp," Alya sobbed further, "I just need them to stahp."

"How about we intervene?" Nino suggested.

"Intervene?" Alya asked through her whines, "How?"

"Well, we could make them..." he said, pausing for effect, " _call_ each other."

Alya gave him a quizzical look. Nino pulled out his phone, "Here, hand me your phone."

Taking Alya's phone, he went to the settings. After a few taps, he listed her number as a private number, then went to her contacts. Nino did the same to his phone, changing the number to a private number and opening his contacts. He then demonstrated his plan by calling Alya's phone.

The ID came up with "Private Number" and Alya finally understood what he was going to do.

Each took their phone and called their respective friend; Nino called Adrien, Alya called Marinette; all while under the setting of "Private number".

When the calls came through they held up the phones to each other, holding the phone's Microphones to the phone's speakers. Doing this, in effect, Nino and Alya made a third-party phone call while listening in on their conversation.

* * *

*Click*

*Click*

Adrien: "Hello?"

Marinette: "Hello?"

Adrien: "What do you want?"

Marinette: "What do you mean?"

Adrien: "I said, what do you want?"

Marinette: "I was going to ask you the same thing, who is calling me?"

*Brief silence*

Adrien: "Wait, who's this?"

Marinette: "What do you mean - "who is this?" - you called me."

Adrien: "What do you mean? You called me!"

Marinette: "No! You called me!"

 _Nino and Alya could barely contain their laughter as they listened into their conversation._

Adrien: "Fight me, Woman! You called me first!"

Marinette: "Excuse you! I picked up a phone call that said "Private Number", so you better start explaining who you are!"

Adrien: "I don't need to explain myself - because you called me! And you're the one with the "Private Number"! So you better start explaining yourself!"

Marinette: "You wanna go? Coz, I will beat you to a pulp!"

Adrien: "It will be my pleasure! I'll fight you any time of the day! But first, explain to me why you called me!"

Marinette: "I didn't call you!"

Adrien: "Yes you did! Yes you did!"

Marinette: "No I didn't! You called me!"

Adrien: "I'm starting to think this is a prank, come on, tell me who you are!"

Marinette: "My name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng! You better start explaining who you are, otherwise, I will reach through this phone and..."

Adrien: "Marinette!?"

Marinette: "Yeah, what do you want?!"

Adrien: "Marinette Dupain-Cheng?"

Marinette: "You're starting to get on my nerves, random caller, stop saying my name!"

Adrien: "It's Adrien!"

Marinette: "Adrien?"

Adrien: "Yeah!"

Marinette: "Adrien Agreste, why the heck are you calling me!?"

Adrien: "I didn't call... Actually, you know what, nevermind. Do you want to meet up somewhere in person so we can settle this without dragging this confusing conversation any longer?"

Marinette: "Sure, but, I'm gonna be asking a lot of questions to you."

Adrien: "Same here."

Marinette: *Defeated sigh* "I am wayyy too tired for this."

Adrien: "Heh, yeah, Mood."

Marinette: "How about the Cafe outside my place in twenty minutes?"

Adrien: "Yeah, about that... I think they have a restraining order on me."

Marinette: "Actually yeah, same here. Meet you at the park?"

Adrien: "Sure, see you then."

*Adrien ends the call*

*Marinette ends the call*

* * *

Nino and Alya sat there in pure bliss, proud of their noble actions.

"At least we got them to meet up." Nino picked up his phone and flopped back onto his bed. "I think we can rest easy now."

"Yeah, but could you imagine what the next development is going to be?" Alya huffed. "I don't wanna be around for that scene."

"Well, we can only wait." Nino stretched out and groaned as he cracked his back. "Hey, get a load of this... Apparently "The Author" - or so _Adrien_ calls the All-Powerful being that controls his every thought and action - is going to be wasting his time thinking up ideas for the next "Chapter" and we'll have about a month before anything actually gets "written" in that "fic" of his."

"That's... actually really strange..." Alya said with a concerned face. "Marinette basically said the same thing to me the other day."

Nino laughed at her, "What?"

"She said there were people watching, no... _reading_ her every action and thought." Alya looked at Nino with a very concerned face. "That's hecka creepy."

"Well, I guess we'll just find out what happens next..." Nino looks at you, the reader, "In the next Chapter."


	4. Finding Friends

Marinette stopped in the middle of the park, perturbed by the boy in front of her. She stood just at Adrien's feet, looking down at his chest rising and falling as he stared into the sky. He just laid there in the grass, waiting for Marinette to finally show up. Shrugging the bag strap off her shoulder, Marinette knelt down on the grass and slid up next to him.

"Anyone home? Or are the lights just on?" Marinette inquired.

"Yeah, I'm here," he answered with a sigh, his gaze on the cloud lofting past remaining unbroken.

Marinette took a moment to herself, allowing the gentle breeze of the park's open hillside to brush past her. (Which would be a weird thing to think, like, how can you not allow wind to brush past you? Like you have a choice in where the wind goes?) Just allowing herself to gather her thoughts and whatnot.

Adrien was doing the same. He didn't really know how to start this conversation. He - **_Knew_** \- Marinette was Ladybug. That thought in itself was terrifying. The girl that he had loved for years, was sitting next to her the entire time. Right under his nose per se. He didn't know where to begin; His feelings for her? The bond of trust they shared with hero-work? His secret identity? The fact that he purposefully didn't date Marinette for fear of falling in love with her and risk giving up on Ladybug?

Marinette couldn't look at his face, instead opting to stare above him and into the park beyond. She knew that looking at him would remind her of the face she had been so tempted to kiss on all those patrols over the years. Knowing full well that Adrien and Chat Noir were the same person did not help her emotional case. She loved Adrien and admired Chat for what he was worth. "I feel we should start talking about something," she said, breaking her own train of thought before it got too out of hand.

"I agree..." he agreed.

"I think cats are a good topic to talk about," Marinette dared to say. She even looked down at him see if it stirred a reaction.

He was staring back. His head turned to look directly at her, almost as if he was staring the whole time.

"I agree..." he agreed, "But I think ladybugs are far prettier compared to some shabby black cat."

"Did I say we should talk about black cats?" she tossed back at him, unwavering with her eye contact. "I merely wanted to discuss their natural habits, like stretching out on the grass in the midday sun, even though they have a young and proper girl talking to them."

"But I wanted to talk about the crazy fact that Ladybug's love sweet food, almost like they grew up in a bakery."

He paused.

"By the way, is that Crème brûlée I smell?" He inquired, eyes widening as he took another deep breath. Marinette giggled as he slowly began to sit up. "It has been driving me stir-crazy ever since you got here and I was wondering if I could have some."

He paused once more... before softly saying the one thing he wanted to say since...well, forever.

"If that's alright with you, M'Lady?"

Marinette could only smile.

"Sure thing, Chaton."

* * *

Notes:

This has been fun to write, I am glad that so many ppl got to enjoy this... whatever it is...

I wrote this in like an hour I had spare, I thought it was nice

Just chilling... listening to good writing vibe music... just writing away the day

Not gonna force ya, but leave a comment if you liked it, lemme know

Aight, See ya guys later


End file.
